To tan or not to tan

Not tanning is out of the question. I have to have some color for the wedding so the issue is whether or not I will acheive the glow by 1. Lounging on a tri-fold recliner in the yard  2. Applying a self tanner.  3. Lying on a tanning bed.
 I know what you are saying...only one of them is an acceptable option given what we know about skin cancer but I have wedding photos to think about! So lets's discuss the options.
1.The days of my pink candy striped bikini, iodined tinted baby oiled "laying out" days are well behind me. As I have mentioned, I live in the midwest, for those of you who do not, it is possible that you have not heard of the dreaded buffalo gnat. They began to appear a few years ago in the spring. They are tiny and pack a ferocious bite leaving large welts primarily on face and neck. Nothing really helps. Vanilla is the prescribed repellant and I have found that it helps to a certain degree but only when there are a few and never when surrounded by a swarm so lounging in the yard has become hazardous.
2. Seriously.....I can't do it. I've tried. I always wind up with orange palms, streaked legs and indescribable pools of mottled skin and orange colors under both breasts.  I don't know how anyone can do this alone! Legs ( not knees, ankles or heels) arms (not elbows, wrists, or palms) butt ( I don't have a clue...I can't see back there) torso and breast ( even underneath breast which, if you have big boobs( I do)  entails lying down.) Then the waiting for everything to dry before you get dressed or risk staining your clothes and, quite frankly I don't care if I have nothing to do, I don't have time for that!
3. Once upon a time a tan meant that your husband made enough money to take you to far off places like Mexico or Cuba or Florida. Glistening, bronze skin was the equivalent to an Armani handbag except you never had to switch the contents to match your outfit. Along came tanning salons making us all Floridian look alikes and leveling the field (especially if you go before 10 when you are guaranteed the bed of your choice and you pay only half price). I don't enjoy the tanning bed experience. I have a bit of adult a.d.d so I literally drum my fingers against the plexiglass sarcophogous as i wait for the minutes to tick away. I am also a bit claustrophobic ( the sarcophogous term might have given that away) so I try never to let the lid close completely. I have often imagined the lid not rising as the timer buzzes and I am stuck inside yelling for help and the only help to arrive is the young, sweet but haplless overly-tanned girl ( cuz it's free for employees)from the front desk who will be responsible for dissasembling the chamber of torture in which I now lie naked and wondering if they really clean the beds or if my ass is lying on what was left by the last ass that lay here. She will listen as my muffled voice attempts to explain to her the difference between a flat or phillips head screwdriver and threats that I will never be back or at the very least I expect free tans for a while. 

So...there are my issues. Thanks for listening. Talking about it has helped. Tomorrow morning I will grab a gym bag, a towel, tan accelerator, a handkerchief to cover my face and a sticky note to attach to the outside of the burning bed upon which I will write;
 Dear Hapless, There is a phillips screw driver in my bag, Thanks for helping.